Feelings and stuff from Samuli Valkama on Vimeo.

Check out this lovely short film by Finnish Samuli Valkama. He's a Helsinki-based filmmaker, writer, graphic designer, children's author and illustrator. "The first step toward a new relationship can be like a jump into cold water."

Is risk taking worth it or not? Should one jump into cold water and see what happens or back of because of fears, past disappointments and heart aches? I never thought myself to be a risk taker until I met a guy I wanted to marry immedatelly. We married after a year of dating which seemed crazy to others but for us it was the most natural choice. I thought it to be a real fairy tale story until I found myself from a place I didn't belong to and now we're in the process of getting divorced. Some people ask me if I have regrets and I always answer them "no".

I believe that everything has a meaning and our marriage had a big meaning and impact in my life. It changed me completelly - or didn't change but made me found Myself after getting lost in a way. I thank for everything that happened and understand the meaning of it all but still it doesn't make it easy. It is sad and hard to think how things went in the end but I saw it so that I had only one option: have the courage to make the most difficult decision of my life, to let my heart break into thousand pieces, be in the most darkest places with my thoughts for a while, cry, laugh, cry and laugh at the same time and then from there start the healing process. After the shock period, when I partied hard and was going somewhere all the time, I had a breaking point when one night I got a bad panic attack. It was then when I realised that I had been going to fast and needed a break. My mind and body wasn't feeling good and I was driving myself to a burnout. I asked some break from work, school and told my family and friends that I was gonna be "away" for a while. It was a scary thing for me to do because one of the worst things for me, before, has been to admit that I'm not "strong enough". I was week and needed help. For my surprise (sounds maybe silly) everyone understood and gave me the time I needed. I slept, did yoga, took walks with my dog Onni, went to a art therapy group, had coffee with some friends if I felt like seeing people, spent time with my mom and other family members etc. Bit by bit I started to gain my energy back and saw that I change was happening.

Having to give up my future plans and lost so many things I was appreciating the things I had NOW, at that moment, in this minute. I was discovering myself again and my life. At the same time it has been so so scary but also amazing! I realised that I had created a story of myself, what I was and what I wasn't and how this story was affecting the choices I took and things I made. I came to realise that it was only a story and I wasn't going to be the leading actress anymore. I was Me and would start finding out who this Me was and living my real life. I realised that I needed to learn to love and respect myself first of all and only after that I'd be able to give and get the same.

It is scary to let people get close to you, open your heart to them, let them in to your life and be vulnerable to get hurt but in the end, my view is that it's all worth it. Don't be scared, let your heart get broken into pieces if so. It will just create more space in your heart and make you stronger. I will be taking risks in the future too if my intuition tells me to. I won't let my fears or other peoples opinnions and expectations control me and my life. I will live MY life.

Am I creating another story, keeping it alive, of my life now when sharing this with you? Maybe but when I'm ready and done with the process, able to forgive myself and others, I will let go. I'll let go and continue my life full on. Is my story different from others? No I don't think so. Sorrows and joys come in different forms and in the end, Me is just like any other person. We all share the same stories and feelings. I am You and You are Me.



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